may 30, ‘12
What’s Next? ~ A Resolution in Happiness
When we first met, I wondered if I could miss you. You stood next to me, trying to make me laugh, telling me stories, maneuvering your way around the defenses that I was so eagerly putting up, and I wondered what it would feel like to miss you.
We drank wine out of plastic cups. We walked in circles around records and around people. You were trying harder than I thought you would. You were gentler than I could have imagined.
So many words danced on the tip of my tongue. So many truths, so many stories, so many flaws, so many habits. I wanted to kiss you the first time you said “goodbye”. I was scared, I was nervous.
And then a month, and a date, and a thousand kisses, and I missed you. I felt fragile and alone in the city for the first time. I felt small and insignificant beneath the weight of the buildings and all of the people who didn’t care about me. When my family was gone and I locked myself in my temporary bedroom just to feel some familiarity, I found comfort in hearing your voice. My hands missed your body, my heart missed your promise.
I dreamed up horrible, wonderful, chaotic futures for us. But never this. Never this shock, never something so sudden. Not from you. I’ve been tracing the patterns of your words and your actions, searching for any subtle hint, any single, tiny sign that I should have considered with greater weight. All I’ve found is your sweetness. Your generosity. The kindness in your quiet voice.
I keep waiting for that too-familiar pang of sadness to settle into my limbs. The ache that makes me want to stretch out my arms to reach you. That awful realization. The ghost of heartbreak resurfacing between every blink, breath, and heartbeat.
I keep waiting to sink back into the loneliness and the desperation that once broke my bones and drowned my eyes. To be unable to find the line between being completely empty and being filled with pain. I keep expecting to feel weak. To want to crawl into the darkness of anywhere just to sleep and to dream and to forget.
But instead I sit cross-legged, breath steady, eyes wide and dark and anxious and wondering — what’s next? My lips are overwhelmed by a relentless smile. My thoughts are soaring upward and onwards, through the clouds and toward the stars, never stopping, never yielding, never apologizing.
I’ll hold tightly onto the knowledge that I tried my hardest to be patient and kind and brave. I’ll pocket the memory of the blaze of possibility that blossomed the first time you kissed me and an afternoon of believing that you were the most perfect thing I could ever know. Because for a moment, you were perfect. The moment has melted away into nothingness, but it still existed. For a moment, amidst the nerves that made my hands shake and the fear that glistened in my eyes, I fell in love and you were perfect.
I can cradle all of my sadness in my hands. I can catch the regret and stomp it out before it is ignited into loneliness. You didn’t dig your fingers deep enough into my skin to break my heart. You didn’t sing your promises quietly enough.
The first time I missed you was the last time I missed you. I’ll keep trying to surround myself with real love; you can keep yourself buried in your irrationalities and your anger and your bitter resentment. I’ll happily keep the light of my heart far away from the darkness of yours.
<3C
little moth
i’m so scared.
let me tell you,
because my heart
is beating faster
than your little wings.
take my whispers,
take my secrets,
keep them in your
black-bead eyes.
carry them into the night,
and we will find the light
together.
let me tell you
because i’m so scared,
little moth.
(Source: hitrecord.org)
you are too quick
to storm upon my heart.
you, the sea.
you see
my hands are earthquakes
against the gentle breeze
of your fingers.
you are too quick
for my tired eyes,
my anxious mouth
to storm my heart.
you. and i.
the sea,
we see.
<3C
‘fluttering heart, honey-flavoured voice’ - April 20, 2012
i believe in the magickal
the beauty in the infinitesimal
the alarming, disarming,
charming
nature of all things,
the devouring greatness
written in every tiny story,
held in every person’s hands.
and i want to live
magick
to count the colors in your eyes
to uncover,
discover,
to float and fall,
all at once, forever
to endeavor.
i want to know the secrets.
to be magick.
<3C
your sadness hovers
in the dark between our secrets
and our confessions
we confessed our secrets
but the confessions
were secret so
the confessions never
happened
and now the secrets
don’t exist.
But I’m looking into the darkness
of all of this non-existence
and still, I see
a glimmer of light.
because if the secrets aren’t real
the darkness isn’t there
and there wouldn’t be a light
to find at all.
but here it is.
here we are.
under the covers.
<3C
i wrote & posted this awhile ago, but i soon after deleted it. here it is again, to stay.
It is comically cold in this room, where disappointment is hanging like thick springtime fog. Like it would be too much for this room to be warm. Too much of a joke.
I’m trying hard, as hard as I can, not to be fraught with the insane amount of paranoia that is bubbling away in my fingertips but it cannot be helped because you are now too much of a real thing. A real person, a real man, a real threat to my fragile, fearful heart. Your voice has morphed from muted electronic words to a range filled with volume, with substance, something I can remember. Something I can recognize only by listening.
I’ve been actively trying, actively fighting, against my better judgment to not assume that you are vacuous and hurtful, and that I will come out of this heartbroken.
It’s hard but I’m trying. I’m trying to contain the disappointment that is hanging in this cold, cold room. I’m trying to find it all and tuck it away into corners where I cannot find it.
But my heart is beating so fast, so fast.
and my bones are aching where i hoped you’d touch me.
Through our entire lifespan
everything reminded me of you
and everything felt perfect,
because it was you
and it was me,
and how could it be any less
than absolutely perfect?
You took your time,
you got to know me,
you memorized the sadness in my eyes
when I just couldn’t take it,
when I just couldn’t do it alone,
and you cradled me in the
hallways in front of everyone,
in front of no one,
it never mattered.
You wore my hand-made love
around your wrist,
and gave me your half-broken
heart to mend,
because no one else could,
because you couldn’t trust anyone else
with something
so fragile.
and you wore that shirt so proudly,
that black one,
long-sleeved,
and you called it mine
because you loved how I loved it,
and you called yourself mine,
because you loved how
I loved you.
And you said,
over and over and over,
you would always be here,
until one day you weren’t,
you’re always there, there, there,
never here.
Here is where I need you to be,
and here is where you’re not.
Because it’s too inconvenient,
because I’m too much of a burden,
even though you promised,
even though I still need you.
Even though friendship is still
friendship, over how ever many miles
could fit between us.
I kissed a boy with your eyes,
and felt myself fall apart
beneath the weight of
loving you, and missing you,
and hating you.
He said “the intensity of love is a beautiful thing,”
and I ran
because of how dreadful,
because of how right,
because of all the truths that stood in front of me,
that I couldn’t bring myself to face.
Well,
I still miss you,
everyday.
Even though I shouldn’t,
even though I don’t want to.
We melded together like soulmates,
and broke
apart.
Well,
I still miss you.december, ‘10
(Source: hitrecord.org)
i don’t know what to do when
love presses itself across my eyelids
and into the corners of my lips.
i teeter along sidewalks
trying to cradle this balance
of chaos and confusion, of loss
and faith.
In my arms.
But I slip away
sometimes
and wrap myself in questions
that i will never find the answer to.
but you look at me, in silence
and with stillness,
knowing, understanding.
you place love across my eyelids
and kiss the corners of my lips.
and all of this fear resting itself
upon my shoulders
is not so horrifying a thing
to defeat.
<3C
